Bond Films: Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever is the second bad Bond film I've seen. It's hard to say it's better or worse than You Only Live Twice; it's bad in a different way. It's a little campy, as if Bond wandered into a Batman TV show version of the Bond-o-verse, which makes sense given at one point Adam West was considered as a replacement for George Lazenby. Diamonds Are Forever has a couple of good points to it, notably a cop-car chase, and a reasonable (for a Bond film) plot, but otherwise, it's poorly executed.

The basic plot of Diamonds Are Forever is: after apparently killing Blofeld, Bond is set on the case of an underground diamond smuggling ring. Posing in place of a member of the transportation chain, Bond meets the girl (played by Jill St. John) and follows clues to Vegas. At one point, he drives a moon buggy off a completely unexplained moon landing set. Eventually he learns that Blofeld is actually alive, and has used the diamonds to build and launch a space-based death ray. Bond finds Blofeld's hideout on an offshore oil rig, and after sabotaging the death ray controls, escapes and heads on a voyage with the girl.

A pair of villainous henchman are straight out of an U.N.C.L.E. show; implied to be a couple, they alternately mince and murder their way like Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern with bizzarely complex methods of murder - a scorpion, hiding someone in a pipe, and so on. Jill St. John as the girl is about the most annoying Bond Girl one could imagine; all ambition and no class, she only makes sense as a parody of an American, illustrating why Bond bangs best on the Continent. While we're at it, even Moneypenny comes off as kinda sad and almost stalker-ish - maybe it's just that seven movies in, her unrequited flirtations with Bond seem more genuine and less office-joke than before.

I was starting to think that there are no bad Bond films; this one can go to the bottom of the list. In fact, I'd rate it don't-see. It's surpassed by many other on-Bond films in scope and tone, and pales compared to its predecessors.

Bond Films: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

One day, I was channel surfing and I came across an old action movie, clearly of the late sixties or early seventies. "This looks like a Bond movie," I thought, but the main actor wasn't Sean Connery or Roger Moore. Someone called him James, and then someone called him Bond, and then the theme song kicked in. I had stumbled upon the one Bond film starring George Lazenby, On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

The basic plot of On Her Majesty's Secret Service is: Bond meets a troubled young woman (the girl) and is later kidnapped by goons who work for her father, a major crime figure. He basically wants Bond to woo his daughter and keep her safe, and he offers Bond information on SPECTRE in exchange. Bond agrees but is later pulled back by MI6, and taken of the Blofeld case since he hasn't made progress in two years. Protesting, Bond returns to the continent to follow the leads he's generated, leading ultimately to a health spa in the Swiss Alps that is actually Blofeld's base for his latest plan for global extortion. Bond comes across the girl and actualy falls in love with her, and later leads an assault on the base to rescue her and stop Blofeld. After apparently defeating Blofeld, Bond marries the girl. SPOILER ALERT -- -- -- Unfortunately, on the way to their honeymoon, Blofeld performs a drive-by shooting that leaves her dead and Bond holding her lifeless body.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is pretty epic for a Bond film. Especially as a followup to You Only Live Twice, it's bizarrely engaging on an emotional level. While the one-time switch-up in actors is a little jarring, Lazenby works well for a Bond. In many reviews, gets some knocks, but the rost complaint I can make is that he's good, but not great. Otherwise, this is a great Bond film. It goes back to having great characters, and a more-or-less believable (for a Bond film) story. I cared about these characters; previously, the only time I'd seen Bond lose someone he loved was in the Daniel Craig version of Casino Royale. Telly Savalas deserves credit as a much more threatening Blofeld; unlike Donald Pleasance's scarred, simpering lap-cat aficionado, his Blofeld is athletic, engaged, and pretty much living the high-class thug life.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a must-see Bond film. The story, the characters, the actors, all come together. This is what a Bond film should be.

Bond Films: You Only Live Twice

You Only Live Twice gets some bad comments on the internet, mostly owing to the bad prosthetics to support a completely superfluous subplot wherein Bon must disguise himself as a Japanese man, learn to be a ninja, and get married. You could watch the movie for the details, but I would not recommend it. For the most part, You Only Live Twice is like a third world knockoff of what a Bond film should be.

The basic plot of You Only Live Twice is: Bond's death is faked in order to shake the trail of his many enemies, notably SPECTRE. At the same time, a mysterious spacecraft appears and captures American and Soviet space capsules, landing near the Sea of Japan. After conducting a little industrial espionage, some autogyro piloting, and bedding no fewer than three woman (two of whom die), Bond discovers the secret volcano lair where the spacecraft are being taken to, and finally confronts Blofelt, the head of Spectre, directly. Ninjas attack, piranhas are fed, Blofeld escapes, and Bond once again finds himself floating at sea with a hottie.

There are a lot of things wrong with this movie, each worthy of its own rant. There are sudden, completely unnecessary plot twists. There are entire sections of plot that make no sense. There's an extra layer of disbelief to suspend for SPECTRE's rocket program, and also with the secret ninja program that Bond aces no more than a week or two. Bond films push the envelope of reality regularly, but they at least seem believable and follow their own logic. You Only Live Twice is like the plot of a James Bond coloring book: take a bunch of interesting ideas and put them one after another. It's uneven and lumpy and scribbled over by a five-year-old.

On the other hand, there are some interesting elements. The theme song, sung by Nancy Sinatra, is pretty much perfectly matched to the kind of man Bond is; it may as well be a theme song for Mad Men's Don Draper. The screenplay was written by Roald Dahl; that's right, the man who wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory also wrote a Bond film. In some ways, that fact makes the movie make sense.

You Only Live Twice is, I'm sorry, Don't See. In the context of Bond films, I suppose that means "put it off", and not "never", but really, if you've seen any spy movie of the past fifty years, you've seen the good parts of this one (ninjas, secret volcano base, villain with cat). Hell, if you've seen a week's worth of Inspector Gadget, you've seen the good parts of this film. So, don't bother. Skip it. Keep your fond memories of the past three or four films and move ahead.

Bond Films: Thunderball

Thunderball is often cited as an iconic Bond film: it's got the Aston Martin, it's got an elaborate plot and a solid villain, and it's got skydiving scuba commandos. It's hard to argue there is a more definitive Bond film, not quite a parody of itself, but more than Bond's simple roots as a supremely capable spy.

The basic plot of Thunderball is: after taking out a drug lord's base of operations, Bond is sent to a spa for rest and recuperation. While there, he stumbles upon a plot to surgically modify a SPECTRE agent to take the place of an RAF bomber pilot. The pilot then steals a plane with two nuclear warheads, which are recovered by SPECTRE captain Largo. After some tracking, Bond makes nice with the sister of the later pilot, and later infiltrates Largo's social circles. Bond figures out how SPECTRE stole the bombs and where they are hiding them, just as they are being shipped to Miami for detonation. A couple dozen commandos in scuba gear skydive into the ocean and a massive underwater fight breaks out while Largos surface ship makes its escape. Bond climbs aboard, fights, and just as he is about to lose, the sister of the late pilot fires a speargun into Largo.

Thunderball is well-paced and serves as a solid entry in the Bond franchise. Younger viewers such as myself might recognize it as an earlier incarnation of Never Say Never Again, a Bond film released over a dozen years later, also featuring Connery as Bond. The original is pretty nearly perfect in terms of the Bond formula. The diving sequences are cool, especially if you're a diver, but the fighting scene at the end is . . .insane. Just, crazy insane, and it goes on for quite a while in movie time.

Thunderball is a must-see Bond film. If you only see a handful of Bond films, this should be on the list.

Bond Films: Goldfinger

Goldfinger is one of the most recognized Bond films ever. It's been parodied, notably in the third Austin Powers movie; it's got one of the more iconic deaths of the franchise, when Bond discovers a young woman painted in gold. Goldfinger is also the first film where Bond is fighting a non-Spectre villain, and it's the first Bond film that brings together the proportion of story elements we would come to recognize as the standard Bond plot. It also features the best response ever to Bond pleading for his life: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

The basic plot of Goldfinger is: while recuperating from an earlier mission, Bond is assigned to spy on Auric Goldfinger, an international previous metals merchant. After an initial assessment, Bond is given a mission to meet Goldfinger in person under the pretense of access to Nazi gold. Bond is slowly drawn into Goldfinger's circle, but warily, and eventually captured, and he learns of Goldfinger's plot to irradiate the US gold supply at Fort Knox, rendering it useless and driving up the value of Goldfinger's stock of gold. With the help of Pussy Galore and the US military (note: great name for a band), Bond escapes and is able to thwart Goldfinger, who dies after being sucked out of an airplane at high altitude.

It's easy to snark on Goldfinger, though it holds up well enough as a Bond film. It's a good argument against the gold standard for backing currency, although I'm reasonably sure that in such an event, the markets would work out a way to stabilize the price of gold. Goldfinger has a powerful metal cutting laser that we first see in a lab facility, and later in a truck. I found myself wondering how the truck provided enough power for the laser beam. There are many other political and technological questions in Goldfinger, but if you overlook them - as you should - it's a worthwhile watch.

Goldfinger is a Bond film I'd rate as "see," but not "must-see". It's the kind of Bond film you can tune into randomly at any point and follow, but as an advance in the larger Bond narrative, it's not required. Goldfinger is a great villain as a character, and Pussy Galore has possibly the most recognized name in the Bond-o-verse, but really, you're already familiar with these tropes. Goldfinger might just disappoint you with their origins.

Bond Films: From Russia with Love

From Russia with Love is the second EON Bond film, well-regarded and generally highly-ranked among Bond films. It's easy to see why - the style elements are in place, the plot is more or less believable, and while there is spycraft to be had, it isn't overwhelmed with gadgetry. In short, it's about characters.

The plot of From Russia with Love is: In an effort to play the West and East off each other, and to gain revenge against Bond for killing thwarting Dr. No, SPECTRE utilizes a former Soviet agent to encourage a Russian spy to feign love for Bond and an interest to defect. She promises him access to an encryption machine, and while suspicious, MI6 dispatches Bond to Istanbul to check it out. There, he meets the most ridiculous character casting ever in the form of a local Turkish spymaster played by a North American hispanic. Bond parties with gypsies, spies on Russians from Byzantine cisterns, and breaks into the local Russian spy headquarters, all the while stalked by an agent of SPECTRE. Eventually, they have a showdown on a night train and Bond makes use of two secret gadget suitcases. In a denouement, he is almost killed by one of the villains, played by Lotte Lenye, who escapes.

The last bit is actually rather charming. Lotte Lenye was the wife of Kurt Weill and performed in Berlin cabaret in works by Weill and Brecht. Given that she saw the rise of the Nazis and the subjugation of the East, one has to wonder what she made of this James Bond character.

Compared to later Bond films, this one is pretty awesome. The chemistry between Bond and the girl is all the more remarkable considering their characters are both faking it - it's fake, but real, which is ironic considering the purposes for which SPECTRE set them up. Bond isn't impossibly superhuman - his bacon is saved on more than once occasion when it should have been cooked. Of all the films I've watched so far, this is the most realistic, and the most compelling. I wanted to see these characters succeed.

I'd rate From Russia with Love as a must-see Bond film. It's a good film on its own; if this had been the only Bond film, it's be worth seeing. 

Bond Films: Dr No

Dr. No is the first EON Bond film, the first to star Sean Connery, and actually pretty serviceable as a Bond film overall. It was refreshing to see without irony all the elements that have been subsequently parodied: the spy talk, the secret island base, the tragic villain. This Bond film also makes use of SPECTRE, as do several other of the Connery films, being the fictional world-wide criminal conspiracy. SPECTRE is like al-Queda with class.

The plot of Dr. No is basically: A British spy is assassinated in the Caribbean and Bond is sent to investigate. In fairly short order he makes contact with the CIA and retraces his predecessor's footsteps, learning of a mysterious, privately owned island that the locals are afraid to go near. After landing on the island, Bond meets a woman (the girl) who gathers shells, and they are captured by Dr. No. Over dinner Dr. No reveals his plan to use a powerful, nuclear-powered beam to disrupt an important test flight by NASA out of Cape Canaveral. Bond thwarts the plot, destroys the island, and rescues the girl.

Notably, Felix Leiter, his CIA contact, is played by Jack Lord, who later went on to the Hawaii 5-0 series. In the first few movies that had Felix, a different actor played him each time.

Compared to later Bond films, including others of the same period, the movie is a little rough around the edges. The pacing is almost TV-movie like, with long expository sequences rather than set-piece action sequences. This makes it almost retro - compared to later Bond films, almost charming in its lack of pretense. Bond is more or less believable as a spy, and Dr. No, despite his formidable resources, is a tragic character, disfigured as a punishment by his former employers and committed to his cause.

I'd rate Dr. No as a must-see Bond film, if only provide a starting point to compare the others to.

Bond Films: Introduction

I recently decided to watch all of the James Bond films by Eon, in order of production. Thanks to the magic of Netflix, this is now possible.

I hadn't realized this was the 50th anniversary of Bond films, and I was only dimly aware that a new one was coming out. So, I'm in no rush.

There are about two dozen Bond films to date. They were made more or less every two years, sometimes more quickly, with longer gaps at other times.

There are a few recurring elements I'll use shorthand for: the villain, the girl, the gadget(s), the MacGuffin which drives the plot.

I also want to compare not so much the actors, but the films as plots.