Motionless

Sometimes I feel like I'm lazy. Like I'm doing nothing. I wake up, and I think to myself, "I need to do something - something useful, valuable, productive. I should go for a run. But first I need coffee. But I'm tired. I just want to stay in bed."

Such is the effect of having been depressed earlier in life. It's hard to accept doing nothing as acceptable, since for extensive periods, I did nothing because I was afraid to do much of anything. Or maybe it wasn't depression, but a fear of getting over-extended.

Whatever it was, in any case, I always want to do something. But as my career continues in the project management direction, I am getting better at identifying long-term efforts that may be impacted by taking on new tasks. Oh God, I'm even talking in project-lingo now.

Here's an account of the past nine months or so:

I went to London. That was fun. I saw a good friend and finally got out of North America for a while.

I traveled a lot afterwards. I went to training in Minneapolis. I went to Tulsa for a funeral, and to Wisconsin for Christmas. I flew to Park City for Sundance. Just recently, I flew to Wisconsin again for an aborted trip with my niece and nephew. I took them swimming and we went into Milwaukee a couple of times.

I've dated. This is what I need to keep in mind, because when I am at home alone, I start wondering if I'm doing enough to not be single. I have dated three men in the past year, and each of them was very different from the other. Maybe it's not that I'm not doing enough, but that I'm not managing my dating as well as I might, disengaging when no longer profitable.

Oh God, there's that MBA-engineer--speak again.

I took the GMAT. I applied to and was accepted in to a local part-time MBA program, which I'm looking forward to. One thing's for sure, if I feel like I'm doing nothing now, I won't have that luxury for the next thirty months.

And to be fair in addressing my inner 22-year-old: I'm not just running out and becoming a lifeless schooled robot. I have had my fun - my twenties, spent in art circles, hipster circles, hanging out, working and learning and just trying to be cool. I'm ready for what's next. I'm not exactly doing nothing.