Whiff

I didn't get the job.

I've been talking to senior people within my company though, watching for what happens as we continue to re-organize.

I have another interview tomorrow.

ALso, got my hat in the ring at a few places - I applied blind, so I don't expect to hear much.

I do take comfort in the fact that it's just a tough job market. It's tough for everyone. A friend of mine looking to hire got 75 applications for one position - it's pretty specialized and requires in-depth trade knowledge. Everyone remotely connected seems to be applying.

So, they let me down easy. Told me I was a great candidate and didn't do anything wrong. I aced the interviews.

There was just someone else with more experience in front of me.

I keep coming in second. Damn.

My October Symphony

The past three weeks have flown by quickly; even now, I hesitate to take time to blog. I have had a lot of homework to catch up on, as well as activities outside of work and school. Was I really diving in Florida three weeks ago? Seems like much longer ago.

In the meantime, I've been fighting of some ragged thoughts. Friends have asked about my dating life; it's hard not to be defensive - I've been dating, but no fish worth keeping yet. I'm keenly aware of my age as well, even though I know plenty of other women my age who are single, never married. We are not crazy cat ladies (I have an extra layer of defense - no pets in my apartment).

In the meantime, watching the growing liberal backlash against Obama, along with the conservative chorus practically egging them on. For a moderate, it's interesting to watch. What did anyone really think would happen? Most of the isues seized upon by the chattering classes are simple chew toys - politics as usual. The real decisions, the policy-making that will have long-term impact, isn't part of the public debate.

Mentally, I'm already in November - a year on from the Presidential election. There are only three weeks left in October, and then three weeks till I see my parents for Thanksgiving. then, another four to see my sweeties, niece and nephew. By then, the current semester will be over, I'll be halfway on in my degree program, and considering where I want to head to next.

Age

K says I am an old hag. I'm officially in my upper thirties now; old hag.

I'll be honest, when I was younger I always thought it was silly to get caught up in the age game, but now that I'm here - and maybe it's part of living in Manhattan - it's hard not to.

Feeling used up, washed up, no longer young, no longer even jealous bc I feel like I'm out of the running - this despite being consistently clocked for 4 - 8 years younger than my actual age.

So I have to wonder how much of this is just K. She is older than I am. She was a Ford model. I think she puts more stock into the age/beauty game. 

I have been looking for celebrity inspiration. Heidi Klum is transitioning nicely from her modeling career. Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, a bit older than me and both single (and I have to ignore the celebrity-industrial caricatures of these ladies). Women into their forties still looking awesome and doing cool stuff.

And that is, in case you missed it, the other half: not just being older, but being single and being older. And for me, too, being late to school, wishing I had some sort of legal career, following politics and policy, wondering if my MBA will truly be worth it.

Anyway. As I think it through, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. I think there are outside influences causing me to question my contentment.